Overwhelmed. Out of breath. Paralyzed. Cognitively drained. All brain processes have returned to auto-pilot or coping-strategy-mode. Emotions are high, physical strength is low.
I’ve currently hit another low and have to take one day (even one MOMENT) at a time. Outings outside of work are fewer and farther between – if at all. Light and sound and movement are abrasive to the senses.
Social engagement is a lot of work and exceptionally draining. Though my face lights up with my auto-pilot smile and bright personality, on the inside my brain is working overtime to find the right words and put on the calm facade holding back the raging emotion which lies just below the surface. In the quiet moments of the morning, or as the day is ending, I can’t hold back the tears that bubble up from that same place.
When I’m in my lowest of low places, this is my life – every day – struggling to figure out how I will pay my bills, struggling to look after my basic needs so that I can also look after some one else’s (for work and in my own home). I don’t want to have to think about anything or anyone. My brain just wants a break, a day to shut down completely and reboot. If only…